Thursday, October 30, 2008

Jesse's completely fickle rules of AWESOMENESS

1. Always have a good breakfast, with mango juice.
2. Drive a motorcycle, or at least a stick-shift.
3. Beer-bellies depreciate awesomeness by decade.
4. In order to be awesome, one has to be able to walk through a crowded room without totally getting in someone's way.
5. If you like enya, you are sacrificing your awesomeness.
6. Fruit gum is for girls.
7. Never have a picture of you being a mermaid.
8. Learn to disable a 200-pound man with a one pound weight and no hands.
9. Leave "your mama" jokes in 1993. "Your llama" jokes are never amusing.
10. Never own a pet that does nothing when you watch it. Gerbils are not awesome.
11. Awesomeness decreases exponentially whilst mocking this shining list example of awesomeness.

More to come. Maybe.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Sweet Violence

I am dropping the gauntlet.
If there ever was a cause worthy of violence, I have found it. I know that my mom told me that violence was never the answer. I know that Gandhi believed in peaceably co-existing. And I know that the most popular band in the world, War, asked "why can't we be friends?" These modern sages had it wrong. I have found that stupidity begets violence, and justifiably so. Now, I'm not talking about simple stupidity. I don't think that every little mistake needs a kick in the pants. Even if you did just buy a Dell. I'm talking about the big things.
My wife and I were walking up the road in our quaint little town of Rexburg the other night. We wanted to walk to the hill so that we could see the town below. Let's call it a soul-cleansing pilgrimage. Before we could get even half way up the hill we had to stop. Why? Because a truck had driven by and thrown an egg from their window and hit my wife. In the face. 
Now I've never, outside of sport, punched someone in the brain. I now believe that is largely due to situational restraints. If I had caught that truck I believe I would have eaten them.
I can just imagine the dialogue in that truck directly after this incident. "Dude, I totally hit that unsuspecting girl in the face! She's now bent over in pain!" High-fives all around for the heroic deed. He's the king of the moment.

So, king, if you are out there, and among my very small group of readers. I would like to meet you at the flagpole. 
And punch you in the brain. 

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Writing of Jackson Pollack

I am looking for anyone willing to kill someone for money. Granted, not a lot of money, but enough to make it worth your while (that is, if you LOVE un-popped popcorn or things in that immediate price range). 
I want someone to do away with the "author" of the Scroll's newest article following The Academy of Comedy. First realize that I am all about furthering the cause of improv at BYUI, you may even say that I am one of the eight wheels on the improv bus going round and round. However, when the scroll decides to write an article entitled "There's a New Comedy Troupe in Town" and doesn't even mention the force that brought improv to the school, I find myself slightly troubled. 
"Slightly troubled?" you may ask; well, I guess that means I'm not done yet, doesn't it? 
Strike two comes with the first line of the article reading "there's a new frenzy of talent in school." 
That's it, you're out. That's right - two strikes in Jesse baseball means "you're dead."
I'm going to write an article in the scroll called "The Academy of Crap," in regards to the horticulture department's fertilizer campaign, of course.
So, any takers?  

Monday, April 7, 2008

The Final Question

So here we are at finals week and I am caught in a cross-wind. I want to get the best grades I possibly can, but I don't care about the classes I'm taking in the least. You see I've recently changed majors, from science (which is the absolute bane of my existence) to English (which I love). In order to graduate in December I need to pass my current classes, but that's about all. Do I strive to get good grades in classes I'll never use? Or do I take a well needed break before starting a season of classes I actually care about? I'm just wish to throw this question upon the ears of the universe and see what answers come back to me.